i'm irritated. i hate realizing something crucial about myself and how i behave, and not being able to change it. i keep falling back into the same patterns of behavior no matter how hard i try to rise above. i know i can be majorly passive-aggressive, especially with people i'm jealous of. i despise the way i act around people i'm jealous of. i turn into a simpering idiot who is overly friendly, and who obsessively lurks every movement the person makes.
i hate the way i act around people i really like. i'm not necessarily a clingy person, but i get very physically clingy, which i honestly can't seem to resist, although i've tried my goddamn hardest. i become a bubbling idiot, trying to be charming, but coming off as a cross between an airhead and a hopeless dork. the result is hardly flattering.

how to make myself stop? smoke copious amounts of weed until my brain finally fucking understands? i don't know. i wish i could go back and erase all the influence that i was surrounded by during my developing years and just be the person i'm supposed to be today. maybe i can achieve that, maybe i shouldn't even bother. maybe the person i am today, with all my fucked up neuroses is more interesting than the person i was supposed to be. maybe the drama that i needlessly create in my mind is more interesting than being a boring, rational individual. i don't know, and i guess i have a lot of soul searching to do.

it's just irritating to notice something obnoxious about yourself, and then watch yourself do it over and over again, without being able to really help it.

you know?